DAY 36: Dark Night of the Soul

DAY 36: Dark Night of the Soul

March 21, 2011
10:09 am

I’m not sure where to start. This is the week which I identify as “Dark Night”. It is the moment when it appears all is lost. That’s exactly how I feel right now. Yes, I suppose I’m creating this reality because I accept that the “Dark Night” exists on this 60 Day Quest. I wish I could say it’s just a role I’m playing but it feels so real; the fear, the anger, the grief. Why is this necessary? Is there something wrong with me to feel this? How did everything that was going so great get so scary?

I think it’s because I want to believe that when I generate this income it’s because “I” did it. My ego wants to believe all of my careful planning and prodigious skill created my destiny for me. After all, I am deserving of my “plan”. As I watch my ideas disintegrate around me and new ones form I question if there is any such thing as permanence. The message that comes across loud and clear is “be still”. This is hard for me because
I don’t want everything I’ve worked for turn to dust! And, yet, it seems I have little choice.

It hurts to be criticized for making honest efforts toward my intentions and helping others with their own intentions. It hurts because I have no control over my limited resources. I find myself haunted most by these thoughts - yet I keep moving forward.

Back to the point I was making: I want to believe that “I” caused my success. In reality, there are coincidences or synchronicities that come together to bring about the outcome. This could be perceived as God intervening, the bigger “I” becoming involved, or something that wouldn’t be the wisest marketing decision to include as part of a self-help program syllabus.

Is this why we take a Quest? To come to an understanding that we are dependent upon a greater power? The answer appears to be “yes”. How do I know this? Because I’ve seen people succeed before by unexplainable phenomena entering into their lives at just the right moment!

The only thing I can do is continue my Quest. According to Law of Attraction, you must believe in your Quest.  That’s how I KNOW that I believe in what I’m attempting to create. How do you know you truly believe or if you're just kidding yourself?  The only way to disbelieve, or to quit, is if I cease to enter these journal entries.
Let me work through this with calibrations (which I’ve pledged to do all throughout ACT 2 comprising of Deserts, Plot Twists and Dark Nights.) Calibrations are below.

Michael Shoeman
In the Cave
　
　
Fear: I’m afraid all these efforts will be for nothing. I fear that I’m making a fool of myself. I’m afraid that people have no respect for effort - only perfection. I’m fearful that I’ve been misguided. I’m afraid that what I know to be true will be proven false. I’m fearful of continuing to live in fear of money. I’m afraid of putting effort into paths that are dead. I’m afraid of trying something new because there is no feedback. I’m afraid of not being good enough. I’m afraid that I’m delusional. I’m afraid that faith will lead me to more pain.

Desire: I want to be perfect. I want every effort to be received perfectly by everyone every time! I want this to be easy! I want people to stop taking advantage of my kindness! I want more guidance! I want to know why the Dark Night is necessary on this Quest! I want only the positive and no more negative! I want people to see that my intentions are pure! I want the money now! I want people to be more dedicated to the Quest even when things get emotional! I want this exercise to work and serve me! I want to travel! I want the pain to go away!

Anger: I’m angry that people have unrealistic expectations of me! I’m angry that some people have a difference of opinion and little respect for my service! I’m angry that people think there are “quick fixes” and then wonder why they can’t commit to something! I’m angry that there’s lack of communication. I’m angry that I have to stop and refocus my anger! I’m angry that I’m being selfish right now! I’m angry that others are hurting! I’m angry that commitment seems to be a problem for many people. I’m angry that my efforts have failed. I’m angry at the fact that I have to let go of my plan! I’m angry that I’m not appreciated in the way I want to be appreciated. I’m angry that people compete instead of collaborating! I’m angry that there are communication barriers!

Pride: I’m proud that I have this calibration tool. I’m proud that there is power in this work. I’m proud of the subtlety in this Quest process. I’m proud that even though this isn’t a quick fix - it is an effective one! I’m proud of the honesty in admitting my fears. I’m proud that I’m still here! I’m proud that I truly do believe my Quest will be successful. I’m proud that there is truth in the Quest process. I’m proud that I don’t have to rely on slick marketing tactics. I’m proud that I include others. I’m proud that I encourage others to be their best! I’m proud that I give people the floor even if it seems to damage my image. I’m proud that I’m looking for answers. I’m proud that I’m not a guru - just a man looking for honest answers. I’m proud that I honor everyone’s reality without compromising my own!

Courage: Courage is finishing what I’ve started - win, lose or draw. Courage is reveled during the Dark Night. Courage is moving forward. Courage is taking the trip even if it means losing. Courage is felt not intellectualized. Courage is knowing the consequences of failure yet pressing on. Courage is building me up. Courage is allowing something new. Courage is staying still yet taking action. Courage is where truth is revealed. Courage is honesty. Courage is admitting there’s something more at work here than purely my own ego. Courage is surrender. Courage is my life. Courage is my Quest.

Trust: I trust my own dedication. I trust that even if I fail, my content has immense value. I trust that if Law of Attraction truly exists, I will succeed. I trust that there’s no shame in trying and failing. I trust that, no matter what, I’ve succeeded through my character. I trust that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. I trust that there is life beyond the worldly experience. I trust the Dark Night is meant to reveal my true character. I trust that there are no accidents. I trust in doing this exercise. I put my trust in my Quest, not in the details that present themselves. I trust that my entire life lead me to this point. I trust that something new is always around the corner. I trust that change is inevitable. I trust in my own commitment, even if there are changes in my approach. I trust that I’m continuously clarifying my vision for this Quest.

Willingness: I’m willing to continue. I’m willing to try something new. I willing to raise my emotions. I’m willing to make the most of this day. I’m willing to find joy in my work. I’m willing to pick myself up. I’m willing to stay true to what my Quest represents. I’m willing to accept that the universe rearranges itself through my re-Quests. I’m willing to look at the relationships between the words Quest, Quest-ion, and RE-Quests. I’m willing to continue my audio programs today. I’m willing to post my blog every day for 60 days. I’m willing to accept the consequences of my actions for taking this Quest. I’m willing to see this exercise through to completion. I’m willing to become dedicated for the entire 60 days. I’m willing to make the most of this moment.

Acceptance/Forgiveness: I accept that I can’t complete this Quest without help. I forgive other people’s standards of perfection. I accept that a greater power works through me. I forgive the misperceptions of myself and others. I forgive anyone’s implication(which I know the specific person(s) which I choose not to reveal on a public blog) that I’m not good enough. I accept that the Dark Night serves in grounding emotional energy. I accept that this step is necessary to develop power. I accept that other people have different realities. I accept that people deny the Dark Night’s existence. I accept that there are dark, beautiful parts of my being. I accept that I love the darkness. I forgive myself for devaluing my darkness. I forgive myself for entertaining someone else’s idea of evil. I accept my own power.

Clarity: I’m clear that there is more information coming. I’m clear that the Quest is its own reward. I’m clear that every moment prepares me for the Quest’s climax. I’m clear that I’ve grown immensely in the last 20 minutes. I’m clear that this is training, not a quick fix. I’m clear that in spite of the dark moments I still love immensely. Clarity is in grounding this power through the Dark Night phase. Clarity is knowing the key piece of information is coming. Clarity is in my mastery of the Quest process. Clarity is experience. Clarity is in the story. Clarity is in allowing. Clarity is self-knowledge.

Love: I love the changes that have occurred through writing out these calibrations. I love that there is emotional content to my story. I love that I know love is letting go. Love is unlimited space to create. Love is holding on to nothing and appreciating everything. Love is in the details. Love is in the big picture. Love is the big picture. Love is the details in the big picture. Love is unity. Love is specifics. Love is embracing the darkness. Love is in the moment. Love is ultimately where the Quest leads. Love is felt never understood. Love is here now.

Joy: Joy is love intensified. Joy is an explosion which can be overwhelming. Joy is what we train for. Joy is all around. Joy was just acknowledged by the man sitting in the next booth. Joy is allowing the explosion to build. Joy is imperfections. Joy is the perfection in imperfection. Joy is amazing considering when I first wrote this passage I was feeling fear. Joy is what I can give people. Joy is my gift. Joy is the gift given through me. Joy is allowing an appreciative emotion to expand to its fullest capacity. Joy is knowing that someone will read this and experience joy. Joy is simple. Joy is letting joy be, knowing that to explain or complicate the feeling sends you back down the ladder.

Peace: Peace is mastery. Peace is in every moment if you know how to look for it. Peace is more powerful in the Dark Night. Peace has more meaning to me now. Peace is an out of body experience in this moment. Peace is beyond yet is the boon of my Quest. Peace is now. Peace is not thinking yet not dreaming. Peace is beyond the words on this page…

Enlightenment…yeah, it’s like that.