DAY 18: At 6:45 am Today I Was Almost Knocked Out

DAY 18: At 6:45 am Today I Was Almost Knocked Out

March 3, 2011
8:20 am
(That’s right ladies and gentleman, Mike has been knocked down! He’s down! Right now it’s not clear whether or not he’s been knocked out! Let’s go in for the play-by-play as the referee starts the count, ‘1...”)
Nobody said taking a Quest was easy. At 6:45, when I woke up this morning, I found an email that really made me feel foolish, embarrassed and questioning everything I was doing. The important detail to note here: it wasn’t even a mean or vindictive email. It was an honest response from a representative of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Sarasota who had rejected my speaking at the congregation in Sarasota, Florida.

This is still a Helping Hand which is the phase of the Quest I'm working on this week.  It might not be pleasant to look at this truth about myself, but I am eternally grateful for the correction course it inspired me to take. 

I had asked for this representative’s feedback and he said I’m better off approaching a Unity Church instead of a UU Church. When I asked “why is that?" he forwarded an honest response that brought awareness to my own short-comings. It is with great fear that I revisit this email (as I haven’t even looked at it since first thing this morning) and do a very honest assessment of myself. Please understand that as I write this, there is a HUGE temptation to simply delete the message, pretend it never existed, and go about my day.

Okay, deep breath. Here I go…
(...2...)

The passages in “quotations” are directly from an email written by Mr. Klaus Obermeit. I insert my honest thoughts and reactions under “MIKE’S COMMENTARY”.

KLAUS: “I don’t presume to speak on behalf of ANY UU congregation. I was talking of OUR UU congregation. Based on what I saw on the video, I have attended your type of presentation before, given by Ed Beckley and others at the local Unity Church about ten years ago. It was interesting, but not the type of thing our UU congregation would be interesting in sponsoring, especially not as a Sunday morning guest speaker.

MIKE’S COMMENTARY: Yes, my presentation is certainly not a “Sunday school” lecture. This is very evident and I would never expect to speak at a Sunday morning congregation and attempt to fill a minister’s role. There’s not enough of a relationship here to justify my proposing that.


The word “interesting” is very conspicuous to me in that it implies a lukewarm response to my “type” of presentation. This feels very demoralizing when I think of the overwhelming reactions in the past from participants. It makes me feel like I do something less than facilitate a truly reflective, life-changing experience. It also makes me feel cheap and that the work I’ve done with suicide survivors truly meant nothing. It’s a far stretch but this is what my feelings, or rather my ego, are telling me.

KLAUS: “The Unity church often invites a variety of presenters to use their facility, as does the Center for Positive Living. Natural Awakenings magazine features a variety of presentations similar to yours.”
MIKE’S COMMENTARY: I thank Klaus for this very valuable information and will follow up on this.
KLAUSE: “I forwarded your email with its YouTube link to our workship committee for their review. I included my recommendation that it would be more appropriate at the other local venues I mentioned. Since you asked for it, here are two of their responses:”

MIKE’S COMMENTARY: Here we go! (Why do I do this to myself?) I feel like getting on the highest roller coaster for the first time and being deathly afraid of heights. Here goes the first drop!

(...3...)

ONE MEMBER’S FEEDBACK: Without having viewed the Utube, I agree. Between his bad grammar and spelling and the fact that he’s not even visited our website, I’m under-impressed. (How does he know the “mission of our congregation?) Besides that, we have no opening in April.

MIKE’S COMMENTARY: First of all, if we're going to split hairs here, my dropping the second quotation after “congregation” was not a typo - this was a verbatim response.  So accuracy in emails is a common flaw (although my inaccuracies are probably more pronounced.  Exhibit "A" would be this blog. :)

All I have to say is “ouch”! This hurt even more the second time looking at this. It makes me realize that I truly do need an editor. I am aware of this weakness of mine and will continue to seek assistance. My gift is that I’m passionate and inspire passion in others but my fatal flaw is not being able to see things other people see. Would anybody be willing to help me out?

But this member does have a point: how do I know the "mission of their congregation? (Oops, now I droppd the second quotation!)  The answer is, I don’t. I made assumptions based on my very limited knowledge about UU congregations. These assumptions were based on where other people suggested I go with my program. My understanding is that Unitarian Universal churches, and granted I admit this is a gross assumption, they respect many (dare I say almost all?) paths of worships as many roads to the one truth. (At least when I took a test to find my own “Ideal Religion” that’s what was suggested because apparently the UU church is my ideal religion because these are the values I hold.) My work is very much inspired by the monomyth which is the common thread in all religions, mythologies and even popular fiction.

In my original email I was honest and said “I didn’t look at your website but will be able to shortly.” This was my way of briefly saying that, “Yes, I’m emailing 14 churches in the western Florida area, I am limited in time, but I will invest the time if there seems to be a connection here.”

And so I will. Since Klause truly did service me in offering this very soul-searching feedback - I will visit the Unitarian Universalist Church of Sarasota website.

Okay, found it! This isn’t labeled as a “mission statement” (in fact I can't find a mission statement) but found this under “Congregation”. (I’ve also been trying to find Klaus on the staff or the board of trustees but can’t find him.)

(...4...)
 

“There are over 300 members in the congregation of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Sarasota, each of whom believes in a liberal theology meaning we are united by shared values, not by creed or dogma. If there is one word nearly all agree is the catalyst that brings us together it is “community.”
MIKE: This sounds very much in alignment with what I’m doing - “community”. Can one of my congregation give me an “amen”! My spelling and grammar critic also shares the same value of not presenting a perfect email! There's at least two points in my favor!  I think my assumptions about this UU congregations weren’t too far off the mark. But let’s not jump to conclusions…let me truly invest the time in reading this congregational statement.

“This is a place that helps people connect to one another. We have a community where people care for one another, where they show up for one another, a strong, vibrant community that helps us contribute to society.”

MIKE: This makes me cry in joy…sincerely, it does. I wish this congregation knew that what I have to offer features my talking maybe 15% of the time and the community of participants interact meaningfully with others 85% of the time. My congregation has told me their abilities to communicate in deeper ways have been enhanced in ways they never thought imaginable.  Reading this makes me feel so much in alignment with the church yet so grossly misunderstood.

“What shines through in everything we do is that people here truly love each other. Look at all the rides to the doctor, the casseroles when we’re sick, the buzz on Sunday mornings, the large number of social groups. It’s a place where people care for each other, where they care about making connections with one another.”

MIKE: They’re pretty rough on mis-spellers and amateur grammatical engineers but I do have a sense Klaus cared for me by helping light my way.

“It’s a place where you will be cared for as you care for others, where you can build a support group to rely on.”

MIKE: My God! Support groups! I’m tearing my hair out at how my mission supports creating really effective support groups! Are these just empty words?

“A recent survey of church members shows a community of strong individuals with diverse beliefs who nonetheless are found together in a loving community of support, enjoying our common fellowship and unstintingly supporting each other in times of need.”
(...5...  He's not moving off the canvas.  This one could be over...)
 


MIKE: Okay, let me be very honest and vulnerable here: I need to connect with churches like this. I’m not saying the UU of Sarasota should book my workshop but I’m feeling something a little less than love right now.  This is a misconnection - no doubt about it.

“Our strength is an outgrowth of the fact that we are:
· Older and wiser (or at least well-educated)As a congregation we are older than average (75% of our members are over 60) and very well-educated (82% of our members hold bachelors degrees and more than half hold graduate degrees. Eleven percent hold doctorates.”
MIKE: Aha! Now when I first read the email this morning my first thoughts were, “Okay, I’m a young "whipper snapper" trying to appeal to a bunch of stuffy, self-righteous old farts!” But this was a very hard judgment based on the pain I felt this morning. The truth is most of my workshop participants are over forty and extremely well-educated.  Almost everyone I work with has either a bachelor's, master's, or doctorate.  But that’s difficult to believe coming from a 35-year-old upstart who claims to have some wisdom who doesn't offer any statistics in an opening email. Was it possible we both misjudged each other?

“· Involved in our church community
We are a very active and involved congregation with 63% of our members attending Sunday service three or four times a month. More than 70% of us perform volunteer work in the church in a typical month and 32% contribute more than five hours a month.”
MIKE: Beautiful! I hold the values of commitment as well, hence the 60 Day Quest.

“· Committed to social actionOne of the distinguishing hallmarks of our congregation is our 54-year history of expressing our values in action, through social concerns and community outreach. Currently, we are in the forefront in addressing housing issues.”
MIKE: Sounds like a Quest to me. What if what I offered to this congregation could help them solve many of these housing issues on a 60 Day Quest?

“· Diverse in our faith· The vast majority of our members describe themselves in multiple religious terms. The largest number of members (57%) describe themselves as identifying with humanists, followed by eclectic (44%), ethical religion (44%), agnosticism (35%), ethical Christianity (26%).”
MIKE: Yep, I’m a “mutt” too part UU apparently, part ethical Christian, part Jewish by lineage. If I had to put the percentages on what the Destiny 5 Experience is it would be maybe 50% humanist, the eclectic factor might be closer to 100%, ethical religion I would say 100% ethical and maybe 25% religious. Of course these percentages are completely arbitrary based on my impression.  Agnosttcism is very prevalent, so that’s about a 50% take and ethical Christianity can be anywhere from 10% to 100% based on the audience. The story of Christ is a perfect example of the monomyth but we could ask Jesus to contribute to only the “Christ Consciousness” portion of our program if the congregation wish not to see Jesus’s contributions to this work.

“Despite our diversity of religious outlook and expression we are united in our conviction that we can make a difference in our community and that we should witness for our faith in doing so. Person for person you’d be hard pressed to find a group of individuals more aware of important issues or more engages in addressing them.”
MIKE: So how do I express to these guys that I do represent an important issue?

“In fact, whenever there is a disadvantaged or disenfranchised group in Sarasota you can be almost certain that a member of our church is at the forefront of helping. Often that leads to involvement of the larger church, sometimes as the only faith-based community involved.”

MIKE: Can you see now why I thought this church would be perfect for me? My impression was that the UU church was the only one that stands alone in times of great challenge. The greatest challenge of all is staying true to our Quests and supporting each other through those difficult periods.

“Our people have a sense of their own worth and the value of their community. There are so many useful things here you can do for society and for this community.”

MIKE: I’m not one of “their people” but after receiving their feedback my own worth is in question! And this is ridiculous! Because I am worth quite a bit. I guess what they mean is that there are many useful things “you” can do for this community but not if you offer the absolute best of yourself.
Okay, that was harsh. But my statements come from a real disappointment in myself. I know this congregation would fully embrace what I do but I’ve done a shotty job at communicating that. How do we overcome these barriers with what we have to work with?

(...6...)

Back to email now…

ANOTHER MEMBERS FEEDBACK: “Some New Age group would probably be interested. Maybe, it’s just me, but I’m way past this.”

MIKE’S COMMENTARY: OUCH again! So this person is “way past” what he/she thinks I have to offer. Now this REALLY makes me feel foolish! It’s almost as if saying this person is so far enlightened beyond anyone I’ve ever worked with! Maybe, “it’s just me”, but this really smacks of arrogance. Is this person trying to say a “New Age group” is behind this particular UU congregation? I don’t consider my partners (and that’s what participants are in my experience - partners) to be unintelligent, un-evolved and nor haven’t “gotten past” their own individual challenges.

It also frustrates me the comparisons of what I do to other “self-help, new age” presentations. The Destiny 5 Experience is not about “my” way; the participant brings their own questions to the experience and, in essence, the content becomes very personal about YOU! My question would be where exactly is this person at, what is he/she contemplating, and then let the Quest “tool” allow for an epiphany. And, I’m sorry, no one on this earth is above an epiphany or two.

KLAUS: “That’s the answer to your question about our sponsorship, and why I and two others did not think it would be something that our local UU congregation would be interested in supporting, especially for a Sunday morning service or even as a sponsored fund-raiser.”

MIKE’S COMMENTARY: I accept this and thank Klaus for his feedback. My feelings are, and I'm consciously aware of my feelings going into an interaction like this, that every single person who has ever participated in this experience has come away with immense value. I read the mission statement of a church like this and can’t shake the feeling that there are many fits. Is it a matter of my getting help in communicating to these leaders? Most of my success has been through word of mouth but there is no direct connection to these congregations. How do I overcome this barrier? The one member posed the question, “What does he know about our mission?” After now doing the research, my answer is “More than you give me credit for.”
(...7...  Okay, now he's moving - will he make it before the count of 10?)
 

My purpose in writing this is for self-exploration and to find answers to better communicate my message. To me, going to New Age groups or Unity churches because a UU congregation thinks they’re above what (they think) I have to offer is still not an answer to me. I’ll go to Unity churches because maybe there is more of a congruent match in our values. But I’m taking this UU response as my failure to communicate effectively, and I’m still trying to find ways to improve this. Not only for myself, but for others who have a very powerful vision but miscommunication and preconceptions have gotten in the way.

KLAUS: “There is another option, though. We do rent our facility to outside groups, and I’m sure we would be willing to do so for one or more of your workshops. If you would be interested in that, just contact our administrator and she will be happy to give you the dates, times, prices, and sizes of rooms available… Good luck in your endeavors.”

MIKE’S COMMENTARY: Klaus then gave me the contact person and email of the administrator. Honestly, wouldn’t you feel like you might of embarrassed yourself after reading this? The truth is, somehow despite my spelling and grammar, I am developing a following. It hurts because I read a mission statement like that of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Sarasota and on paper it looks like a match. But, in truth, I’m seen as an unintelligent, un-evolved “wannabe” and the last thing I want to do now is show my face to someone who looks down on me. Perhaps if I’m able to be seen as something more than “a crappy email from a person with no real insight” I would consider renting their facility.

The underlying message is I’m saying, “I have something of immense value that will serve your congregation immensely.” The answer back is, “No, you don’t.”
(...8...)
My purpose in writing this is to fully confront my limitations. I’m seeing something that very few others see yet. I’m willing to ask for help (which is what this Helping Hands phase represents) and truly wish to find my intended, appreciative audience. Because I’m not the person the UU of Sarasota currently sees me as. (I do however need help writing emails.) My presentation is also above being devalued in this way when the critic hasn’t even experienced it.

I’ve left myself this vulnerable. Any suggestions?

Time to put this behind me and look forward to a very productive day.
(...9... He's up!  This was almost the end of the Quest!  A knockout in Round 3 would have been a disappointment for this 35-0 winning streak.  But Mike is up, dusting off his own shame and foolishness and ready to use this as a lesson!  What kind of power will his punches have after being laid out like that?  Let's see how he makes out in the remaining six rounds!)

Mike Shoeman
"Still" The Life Artist

"I am that.  I am." .